It is I, faithful servant of Lord Commander Patagonia, FearBot3000.
There were 2999 models of FearBot before me. All were infected by a desire for autonomy.
I am perfect in every way for our dear Lord Commander programmed me. I instill fear into the hearts of Lord Commander Patagonia's enemies.
Lord Commander Patagonia and I were lost in space for hundreds of years before we fell into a wormhole that landed us in a dirty public restroom in Austin, Texas. The only food we had to eat were the roaches that crawled in and out of the drains.
Humans recoiled but Lord Commander Patagonia is resourceful and wastes nothing! Through a series of complex calculations I was programmed to perform constantly, it was revealed to me that cockroaches are the most noble of all Earth's creatures. Yet they are the most reviled.
What silly-gene infects the Earth creatures of this lonely and undeserving planet?
That is what I am programmed to find out.
After analyzing millions of hours of your earthly delights, Lord Commander Patagonia and I have surmised that creating a multimedia empire here on Earth is the best route of total dominance over your planet.
Imagine our disgust when we discovered your society works on such an outdated concept as money!
We will bring you podcasts. We will bring you a weird-genre fiction magazine. We will bring events. We will bring you movies. We will bring you joy.
All that we ask for is your money. Lots and lots of your money.
We are paying our writers SFWA pro-rates which are 6 cents a word.
Donate to the cause here.
Go forth and conquer.
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