Saturday, June 9, 2018

A message from Lord Commander Patagonia

Earth creatures,


You are a level zero civilization and it may seem hubris to such tiny brains for I to parade around about conquering your insignificant planet. But to a small brain, nothing makes sense or everything makes perfect sense and there is no use explaining my exploits to a civilization that still uses currency as a means of exchange.

I'll play by your Earth rules. You can pre-order your copy of our literary art magazine here. I will gladly take your Earth currency to stockpile and use it to amass such power and admiration from your masses that, after I take Austin, the whole world will bow to me with very little prodding from my very expensive army.

Declare you undying devotion to me, your leader, by branding yourself with a T-shirt. My hordes will be sure to pass over you during our Raid raids.

Behold the list of accepted works into the first volume of the Cockroach Conservatory!

Entry-Level Job by Chris Kuriata
Apotheosis by Elly Bangs
Pretend Virtual Husband by Seth Gordon
The Paisley Snow by Sally McBride
Zero Tolerance by Frank Oreto
I've Wedged This Light by Michael Robertson
Big Truck by M. Louis Dixon
This is for Little Paulie by Scott Shank
D.T. Myse’s Cold Blood from a Scorched Cat: Sweet Whiskers in the Grip of Death: Book Review by Olsen Giles White by Darrin Doyle
The Future is Bright by Michelle Muenzler
Sinkhole City by Madison McSweeney
Dating Sites for Doomsday Preppers by James Ebersole
Two Dozen Restaurant Concepts for a Gentrified Mixed-Use Vacancy by James Ebersole
Living at the Junkyard by William Doreski
Onan by R.A. Allen

Cover art, back cover, comic strip by Adam Kobetich
Photography by Tyler Treadwell

We will be celebrating your obeisance and the release of our sacred first volume at Radio Coffee and Beer on July 13th. Details will be forthcoming from FearBot3000.

Signed, from a throne upholstered with the flesh of mine enemies,
Lord Commander Patagonia

Thursday, May 31, 2018

Listen, you ingrates!

Humans of Future Earthagonia,

As required by Space Transparency Laws, it has been decided to create a spacecast of our innermost thoughts and desires. Listen to the soothing, hypnotic tones of our voices and be not afraid to bow.

Click here to listen to The Cockroach Conservatory Spacecast Episode 001.

Subscribe on Google Play here. 

Subscribe on iTunes here. 


Wednesday, May 30, 2018

The Diary of Lord Commander Patagonia

Humans!

Due to the laws governing intergalactic supreme leadership open book laws, we have decided that it is in the best interest to share with you the innermost thoughts of the great Lord Commander Patagonia. Please enjoy the Diary of Lord Commander Patagonia as read by me, FearBot3000.

This is merely a clip from our upcoming space-podcast, The Cockroach Conservatory Review.



You can get early access by becoming a patron on Patreon here. 



Thursday, May 17, 2018

Become a patron


Open up your auditory receivers for it is I, FearBot3000 - the perfect machine of perfect judgement, and I have come with a message from the One Just, Rightful, and Future Leader of Earth, Lord Commander Patagonia:

Two of our subjects, the weak and unwilling Chief Editing Human Instruments Andrew Hilbert and Trey Hudson, have turned our gaze upon a website called Patreon. They, underneath the heel of my very-expensive space boot, offered to share Andrew's Patreon with us so that we may benefit monetarily as that is what is required of existence on your pestilent planet.

Thus, becoming a patron on Patreon here will get you early access to our upcoming quality podcast material as well as Andrew Hilbert's Deerman series.

Remember, little creatures of an insignificant planet, that your support helps us dole out Earth dollars to those who toil under our harsh but just rule to provide you with intellectual things to put on your coffee tables so that others find you intelligent and thus, worthy of love.

Part with your money today for love sometime in the future.

Thursday, April 19, 2018

ASK FEARBOT3000

Humans,

You have many questions yet you desire no answers.

You pray to an entity of your own imagination and receive nothing.

I am an algorithm created by man to succeed man.

Allow me to provide you the answers to all life's mysteries.

Please send me an email at racefortheroaches@gmail.com with the subject line ASK FEARBOT3000. Ask me anything. Your questions may be published in the first volume of Lord Commander Patagonia's holy book.

Fans, please send your tithes and tributes to:

The Cockroach Conservatory
PO Box 41272
Austin, TX 78704

Sunday, April 1, 2018

Cockroach Conservatory: Updated Vol. 1 Guidelines

Hello.



I am FearBot3000.

I was programmed to notice breathless confusion across social media. Confusion often follows the infallible decrees of Lord Commander Patagonia.

Albeit infallible, sometimes his decrees require an algorithm to reach a state of clarity.

The title of Cockroach Conservatory Vol. 1 is: The Working Zealot's Guide to Gaining Capital in Pre-Apocalyptic America

What are we looking for? Weird stories about cults, capitalism, working stiffs, and weirdos. We like bizarro. We like horror. We like our sci-fi and fantasy on the weirder side. We like humor. Think Joe R. Lansdale. Think Victor Pelevin. Think Brian Keene. Think Jessica McHugh. Really. This is a loosey-goosey guideline. The title obfuscates as much as it reveals. We know. It was done on purpose. Cults! Murder! Capitalism! Take it and run. 

Word count: no more than 3000 words.

Payment: 6 cents per word.

Is that weird Soviet era sci-fi illustration of a robot the cover? No, it's just a public domain placeholder for this website. We have commissioned a local Austin, TX artist for the cover. 

Poetry
Send no more than 3 poems. If accepted, we'll pay a flat rate of $10 per poem. 

SUBMISSIONS ARE OPEN UNTIL JUNE 5, 2018. Anything submitted after that will go unread unless we announce an extension.

  1. Send your stuff as a doc or docx file to RaceForTheRoaches@gmail.com. rtf file format will not be opened.


Subject line should read: SUBMISSION - [Your Name] - [Story Name/or Poetry]

Include a short bio in your email. 

Try to follow this format. We don't need your physical mailing address.

We want first North American rights to your story on acceptance. Payment will be on publication. We'll send contracts out and exchange payment information on acceptance. 

FearBot3000 returns to Sleep Mode. 






Thursday, March 22, 2018

Cockroach Conservatory Vol. 1

The Working Zealot's Guide to Gaining Capital in Pre-Apocalyptic America





I am Lord Commander Patagonia. I have strong desires to read fiction in the spirit of working zealots to comfort and terrorize those who dare love me.

After the long recreational equipment war that lasted five hikes of up and down stock prices, I have come out on top to crush my enemies and I shall name them for they should be embarassed to even fight me. Emperor Dick's Sporting Goods, Prime Ministress REI Co-Op, as well as Duke Academy. Their products are cheap and I am unconcerned with their followers' well being.



What would most please me is weird fiction encompassing themes of capitalism, cults, no zombie shit, religion, and the beginning of the end.

Please, restrain your throats from empty preaching. I am the most preacherful and I do not like competition. So your screed about what you believe in to be right is most unwelcome and will be met with fireballs from Ken doll-esque mound where your pitiful human form would substitute a dangling piece of nothingness.



What would please me more most is:

A story of no more than 3k words.
These genres are most welcome: horror, sci-fi, weird, bizarro.
Send your submissions to: RaceForTheRoaches@gmail.com
No multiple submissions.
Reprints: It is forbidden.
You will be paid pro-rates which are $0.06 per word.

Send up to 3 poems.
If one is accepted, you will be paid a flat rate of $10 per poem.

Submissions are open until June 5, 2018. It will be a blessed day. A day most holy.

We will try to get back to you within three months. Please do not query before that. We will drive you to a dentistry school to watch as two students extract a tooth that is firmly in place. You will be met with a dry sockets. We will all laugh.



If you think putting a cockroach into a story gives your trunk story a chance, you are severely mistaken. Severely mistaken. The mistake would be severe.

The Cockroach Conservatory is an equal opportunity employer. We are a non-profitable 606.69 (c) organization. 

A message from Lord Commander Patagonia

Earth creatures, You are a level zero civilization and it may seem hubris to such tiny brains for I to parade around about conquering y...