Thursday, April 19, 2018



You have many questions yet you desire no answers.

You pray to an entity of your own imagination and receive nothing.

I am an algorithm created by man to succeed man.

Allow me to provide you the answers to all life's mysteries.

Please send me an email at with the subject line ASK FEARBOT3000. Ask me anything. Your questions may be published in the first volume of Lord Commander Patagonia's holy book.

Fans, please send your tithes and tributes to:

The Cockroach Conservatory
PO Box 41272
Austin, TX 78704

Sunday, April 1, 2018

Cockroach Conservatory: Updated Vol. 1 Guidelines


I am FearBot3000.

I was programmed to notice breathless confusion across social media. Confusion often follows the infallible decrees of Lord Commander Patagonia.

Albeit infallible, sometimes his decrees require an algorithm to reach a state of clarity.

The title of Cockroach Conservatory Vol. 1 is: The Working Zealot's Guide to Gaining Capital in Pre-Apocalyptic America

What are we looking for? Weird stories about cults, capitalism, working stiffs, and weirdos. We like bizarro. We like horror. We like our sci-fi and fantasy on the weirder side. We like humor. Think Joe R. Lansdale. Think Victor Pelevin. Think Brian Keene. Think Jessica McHugh. Really. This is a loosey-goosey guideline. The title obfuscates as much as it reveals. We know. It was done on purpose. Cults! Murder! Capitalism! Take it and run. 

Word count: no more than 3000 words.

Payment: 6 cents per word.

Is that weird Soviet era sci-fi illustration of a robot the cover? No, it's just a public domain placeholder for this website. We have commissioned a local Austin, TX artist for the cover. 

Send no more than 3 poems. If accepted, we'll pay a flat rate of $10 per poem. 

SUBMISSIONS ARE OPEN UNTIL JUNE 5, 2018. Anything submitted after that will go unread unless we announce an extension.

  1. Send your stuff as a doc or docx file to rtf file format will not be opened.

Subject line should read: SUBMISSION - [Your Name] - [Story Name/or Poetry]

Include a short bio in your email. 

Try to follow this format. We don't need your physical mailing address.

We want first North American rights to your story on acceptance. Payment will be on publication. We'll send contracts out and exchange payment information on acceptance. 

FearBot3000 returns to Sleep Mode. 

Thursday, March 22, 2018

Cockroach Conservatory Vol. 1

The Working Zealot's Guide to Gaining Capital in Pre-Apocalyptic America

I am Lord Commander Patagonia. I have strong desires to read fiction in the spirit of working zealots to comfort and terrorize those who dare love me.

After the long recreational equipment war that lasted five hikes of up and down stock prices, I have come out on top to crush my enemies and I shall name them for they should be embarassed to even fight me. Emperor Dick's Sporting Goods, Prime Ministress REI Co-Op, as well as Duke Academy. Their products are cheap and I am unconcerned with their followers' well being.

What would most please me is weird fiction encompassing themes of capitalism, cults, no zombie shit, religion, and the beginning of the end.

Please, restrain your throats from empty preaching. I am the most preacherful and I do not like competition. So your screed about what you believe in to be right is most unwelcome and will be met with fireballs from Ken doll-esque mound where your pitiful human form would substitute a dangling piece of nothingness.

What would please me more most is:

A story of no more than 3k words.
These genres are most welcome: horror, sci-fi, weird, bizarro.
Send your submissions to:
No multiple submissions.
Reprints: It is forbidden.
You will be paid pro-rates which are $0.06 per word.

Send up to 3 poems.
If one is accepted, you will be paid a flat rate of $10 per poem.

Submissions are open until June 5, 2018. It will be a blessed day. A day most holy.

We will try to get back to you within three months. Please do not query before that. We will drive you to a dentistry school to watch as two students extract a tooth that is firmly in place. You will be met with a dry sockets. We will all laugh.

If you think putting a cockroach into a story gives your trunk story a chance, you are severely mistaken. Severely mistaken. The mistake would be severe.

The Cockroach Conservatory is an equal opportunity employer. We are a non-profitable 606.69 (c) organization. 


Humans, You have many questions yet you desire no answers. You pray to an entity of your own imagination and receive nothing. I am an ...